Truth or Story?
Notice your first thoughts. Do you believe that whatever is going on with them has to do with you, or is your first thought that this person is experiencing something that is about them? What is the difference in your response to each?
Your inner assumptions will change depending upon the meaning you give the behavior of the other person. This will also affect the way you interact. You may be more inclined to approach a friend or partner with curiosity, caring and wonder when you believe something is going on with them that has nothing to do with you.
It is Unreasonable to Believe that You will Unconditionally
Receive Everything You Need in Relationship Including Love
~ Dorothy Wallis
Assumptions based Upon Expectations
No one goes through life unscathed. You both have a history of hurt that enters making it unreasonable to believe that you will unconditionally receive everything you need. Difficulties will arise. You learn how to love yourself and others through the ups and downs and disappointments in relationship. It is the best way to discover what you need and what helps you grow. Heartful communication and negotiation opens a door to understand your own needs and desires and your loved one’s.
Assumptions based Upon Past Experience
Illusion and the Wounded Self
When the pain body arises you are immersed in the illusion of the past and assumptions are made from past awareness without the truth of the present. Just because you are experiencing an emotion does not make it true now. You have disengaged from actual reality and from the person in front of you. This is a problem because it also re-creates the pain inside of you. As you might imagine, you will do everything possible to stop the pain. Your mind attempts to understand the situation in order to alleviate the pain and immediately retrieves past memories and information without the context of the present. Assumptions and judgments are made and you believe it as truth without further investigation. This actually causes you more pain instead of relieving it.
Have you ever been in this cycle? Did you notice how the pain increases and anger or rejection is inflamed? Did you ever attack someone with accusations, resentment, blame and anger or reject them and withdraw while in the trance of the pain body?
Real Magic in Relationships Means an Absence of Judgment of Others.
~ Wayne Dyer
Moving Out of the Trance Pattern
The old reactivity patterns are strategic for survival but you don’t want to be living in survival mode. It creates premature judgment and often faulty assumptions. The greatest goal of your survival instinct is to be safely connected. The task in relationship is to be open and face whatever is presented. Receptivity allows what is actually occurring between you and another person. Anytime internal agitation arises the survival strategies come forward. Be aware, let the reactive pattern go, assess what is true in the moment and base your response on what you discover. Recognize that this moment is happening now and not in the past or future.
To Increase our Objectivity, We must Learn to Switch Off the Mini-movies. Objectivity Requires us to be Mindful, Present in the Moment, and Experiencing what is Happening Without Judgment.
~ Elizabeth Thornton
Presence with Discernment
Discernment allows you to grasp what was once obscure. Following the path of presence allows you to move out of your pain body giving you an intimate sense and love of your true self. You meet the people in your life with acceptance and tolerance leading to true understanding and compassion. Your relationships thrive because you are not caught in illusion and an old story. You release your judgments about others and experience them in the fresh context of Now.
Checklist of Good Practices
- Tether Your First Impressions. Don't Assume the Worst.
- Don't Be Shy. Instead of Hurling Accusations, Check out Your Assumptions.
- Where Does it Hurt? Look at What is Really Bothering You.
- Be Honest about Your Reality.
- Curb Your Expectations of Others.
- People Can't Read Your Mind; Tell Them What is Really Important to You.
- Listen....and Listen...and Listen without Preconceptions.
- Let Go. You Don't Need to Take it Personally. Remember, Everyone has Their Opinion.
- Let Go Again and Again of Needing to Be Right.
- Give Yourself a Round of Appreciation for Your Awareness and Presence
Coming to Center: What to Do When You Are Triggered
Relational Awareness: Conscious Communication Matters