Love is not a destination. It is not a rest stop. It is a long and winding path of challenges and hidden treasures. Love is an act of creation and movement. It requires active participation to keep it alive and growing. Participating in relationship, you begin to find out what you need through the friction of differences as well as the comfort of what is similar. Love is a journey of discovery about oneself as much as it is about learning about your partner.
Since a sense of security is a basic need to thrive, how do you go about creating a safe haven in which both of you can feel secure, grow, and flourish? You start with love as the container of your sacred sanctuary. It is a place where you protect each other and stand together against the onslaughts and challenges of the world. You take an active role in learning about each other’s needs and desires and quickly repair hurts that occur between you. This is the undertaking necessary for a secure functioning relationship. When two people have a secure functioning relationship, it provides a solid and strong supportive structure that is resilient and adaptable. These are the relationships that allow each one to grow and these are the relationships with longevity and love that matures into a beautiful fruit of trust.
Trust allows you to enter into life and express your highest self. When you can count on a companion to be there for you, have your back, and protect the safety of your union, there is a sense of relief and freedom to engage with life. Trust is not a quality that is automatically bestowed between two people. It must be cultivated. There are actions and behaviors involved that build trust.
Get to Know What Helps Your Partner Feel Safe and Secure
Finding out includes asking your partner what helps them feel safe or what they need to feel secure, but they may not know. Be a detective. There are behavioral clues when your partner is not feeling safe. Some people withdraw; others get angry, moody, or melancholic. Some people want to fight and others disengage or dissociate. Notice your partner’s emotions and behaviors. Instead of reacting to their behavior realize that something is amiss. This is the time for you to give compassionate understanding. Validate their feelings. Let them know you are there for them and allow them space. Patience is priceless.
Get to Know What Helps You Feel Safe and Secure
Emotional Honesty Empowers Transparency
Your Partner Comes First
Your partner needs to be “your go-to person.” They need to be the one who hears good or bad news first. They need to be the one you confide in and who hears your inner thoughts and feelings. They come first over any person, place, thing or what other people want. Intimacy is created when you share the significant aspects of your life. Make sure your partner’s thoughts, feelings and needs take priority. Make space for emotional connection. Be there for them when they are stressed or in distress. When you “have your partner’s back” you resolve differences with them rather than going to someone else. You don’t gossip, talk bad about them or “throw them under the bus.” You protect your partner in public and stand by them. When you disagree with their behavior or opinion, you discuss it when you are alone. Have an agreement that your relationship takes precedence over either of your need to be right. This builds safety and trust.
Protect Your “Couple Bubble” from Harm
Each person contributes by:
- Equally giving and receiving
- Respecting dreams and desires
- Supporting mental, spiritual, and emotional growth
- Listening to and communicating needs
- Mutually making important decisions
- Actively engaging in resolution of conflicts
- Allowing time for closeness as well as independence
- Being thoughtful and showing daily kindness
- Having high regard for the well-being and care of each other
The romantic image of “Happily Ever After” can only happen when two people greet Love and relationship with conscious appreciation and understanding of the path ahead. I invite you to build a safe and sacred sanctuary filled with love, truth, beauty, trust, harmony and peace where you can authentically be yourself and mutually flourish.