Every relationship is a joining of character styles and personalities that create a unique dynamic. When two people interact their similarities are highlighted and feel good endorphins flow. Initially, when you fall in love you are showered with a rush of positive emotions, which dampens noticing the problematic and annoying differences. The differences that you do notice are often experienced as endearing, interesting, and curiously attractive. These same differences may “rear up” later as annoying, offensive, repulsive, and even harmful as the “blinded by love” initial fantasy stage subsides.
Relationship is a Dynamic System
In a relationship, the dynamic of discord is characterized by the stance or force each individual supplies when their ego is activated. When these forces are pushing against one another it creates an escalation of conflict. You are in a battle with one another. This battle has nothing to do with resolving the conflict or finding a solution. It can leave you embittered, resentful, angry, hurt, and scared. These are the times when you close off, see no way towards reconciliation, and may want to “throw in the towel” and leave.
Being able to weather these disruptions while learning healthier skills changes your biology. It increases the capacity of your pre-frontal cortex to down regulate and calm your egoic reactions, which improves your ability to self-regulate. You grow physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. A healthy conscious dynamic promotes healing the divide and repairing the rupture. As a culture and world, we have not been taught how to return to harmony in ourselves or in relationship with others.
Creation of the Love Bond
All natural systems move towards homeostasis. So it is a natural function to stay in balance. This balance may mean one person is adding more energy into the relationship than another. There are times in all relationships when this is necessary. Usually, there is never an absolute equal amount of energy focused into the relationship by each individual. When you are attuned to the health of your relationship, there is a loving willingness to give more of your energy when your partner cannot.
The Love Bond is a Living Creation formed from the Intimate Shared Connection of Love
The intimate connection of the Love Bond between two people includes mutual respect, understanding, trust, affection, sensuality, sexuality, listening, interpersonal sharing, empathy, compassion, appreciation, care and attention.
Over time, people tend to take their relationships for granted. It is normal for the intensity of new love to calm down. The realities of everyday life call your attention. You need to attend to the practicalities of shelter, finances, work, children, household chores, extended family, social life and the multitudes of responsibilities required for living. Besides the practicalities taking up a lot of time and energy, often negotiating these responsibilities leads to disagreements. Resentment builds when partners feel the responsibilities are not shared equally. Resentment kills the Love Bond. Loving energy drains out and the intimate side of life is left for last or not at all.
You energize the Love Bond with caring presence. This means being thoughtful. Think about the attention you gave your partner when you first fell in love. You thought about them pretty much continually. Okay, you can step it down from that much attention but if your Love Bond is feeling depleted then you need to step it up. Find out what actions feel loving to your partner. Don’t assume that you know. Perhaps, they just want you to listen, or give them a hug, or for you to take out the garbage. Take the 5 Love Languages quiz and share your results with your partner and have them do the same. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Your relationship is a creation and in order for it to thrive, you must be present and pay attention to it. Fill your Love Bond up with vitality. Feed it with positive caring energy. Show gratitude for the small things your partner does for you. Put in extra effort and take an active role in daily responsibilities. Each day, make it a point to say words of appreciation and support to your partner. Look into their eyes and really see. Doing so opens a pathway into the heart, yours and your partners.