Typically, when couples enter counseling, they have built up a pressure cooker of issues that have created an atmosphere of resentment and distrust resulting in blame, misunderstanding, and unhappiness. Energetically, their wounded heart is stuck in a cesspool of hurt, anger and despair. It is difficult to see a way out yet usually at least one of them has a hope that things can improve...
It is common to look at your partner as the source of the problem. “If only you would change, everything would be alright.” People often bring their partner into counseling believing that the therapist will help their partner “see the light” and change. Placing the burden of discord on your partner is a recipe for disappointment. Growth is an internal and complex process that is part of each one’s development and soul’s journey. Transforming a relationship back into harmony is a dual responsibility. Each person brings their signature of energies and blends them with their partner to form an interconnected synergy that is the blueprint of their relationship. Within this alchemical union each person is responsible for their own choices and behavior. Movement in the relationship occurs when one person becomes aware and conscious of how their energy contributes to the disharmony, re-establishes a caring presence and releases the old paradigm while opening to new possibilities.
Every relationship is a joining of character styles and personalities that create a unique dynamic. When two people interact their similarities are highlighted and feel good endorphins flow. Initially, when you fall in love you are showered with a rush of positive emotions, which dampens noticing the problematic and annoying differences. The differences that you do notice are often experienced as endearing, interesting, and curiously attractive. These same differences may “rear up” later as annoying, offensive, repulsive, and even harmful as the “blinded by love” initial fantasy stage subsides.
Every relationship is a joining of character styles and personalities that create a unique dynamic. When two people interact their similarities are highlighted and feel good endorphins flow. Initially, when you fall in love you are showered with a rush of positive emotions, which dampens noticing the problematic and annoying differences. The differences that you do notice are often experienced as endearing, interesting, and curiously attractive. These same differences may “rear up” later as annoying, offensive, repulsive, and even harmful as the “blinded by love” initial fantasy stage subsides.
Relationship is a Dynamic System
These troublesome differences can activate the part of the ego that protects and defends your safety, values, integrity, identity, ways of being and doing things. Another way to say it is, you are “triggered.” A relationship is a dynamic system and every relationship goes through periods of harmony and disharmony. This dynamic is “a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.” The change that is stimulated can produce growth or not. Relationships offer a “fast track” opportunity to observe your ego in action. The drama of tussling in tandem with your partner or loved one ignites your childhood wounds bringing them to the surface to be seen and resolved. The challenges and discord in relationship are opportunities for growth promoting resilience, development of maturity, expanding consciousness and strengthening the bonds of love. Just as in any other part of life, there is a natural ebb and flow of amicability and disruption.
In a relationship, the dynamic of discord is characterized by the stance or force each individual supplies when their ego is activated. When these forces are pushing against one another it creates an escalation of conflict. You are in a battle with one another. This battle has nothing to do with resolving the conflict or finding a solution. It can leave you embittered, resentful, angry, hurt, and scared. These are the times when you close off, see no way towards reconciliation, and may want to “throw in the towel” and leave.
Being able to weather these disruptions while learning healthier skills changes your biology. It increases the capacity of your pre-frontal cortex to down regulate and calm your egoic reactions, which improves your ability to self-regulate. You grow physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. A healthy conscious dynamic promotes healing the divide and repairing the rupture. As a culture and world, we have not been taught how to return to harmony in ourselves or in relationship with others.
In a relationship, the dynamic of discord is characterized by the stance or force each individual supplies when their ego is activated. When these forces are pushing against one another it creates an escalation of conflict. You are in a battle with one another. This battle has nothing to do with resolving the conflict or finding a solution. It can leave you embittered, resentful, angry, hurt, and scared. These are the times when you close off, see no way towards reconciliation, and may want to “throw in the towel” and leave.
Being able to weather these disruptions while learning healthier skills changes your biology. It increases the capacity of your pre-frontal cortex to down regulate and calm your egoic reactions, which improves your ability to self-regulate. You grow physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. A healthy conscious dynamic promotes healing the divide and repairing the rupture. As a culture and world, we have not been taught how to return to harmony in ourselves or in relationship with others.
Creation of the Love Bond
Imagine your relationship system as a triangle or trinity with both of you as two points linked together with your energies radiating out to form a third energetic union, which is the body of the relationship. It is an actual energetic form. For some, this body is known as marriage. Since we are talking about All relationships united in the bond of love, let’s call it the Love Bond. Now, imagine your Love Bond as the fulcrum of a scale balanced by the energy of each of you. When there is an equal amount of positive loving energy given into the Love Bond by both, there is balance and harmony. You and your partner are receiving the benefits of love being radiated back to you. Your relationship is in a state of healthy equilibrium.
All natural systems move towards homeostasis. So it is a natural function to stay in balance. This balance may mean one person is adding more energy into the relationship than another. There are times in all relationships when this is necessary. Usually, there is never an absolute equal amount of energy focused into the relationship by each individual. When you are attuned to the health of your relationship, there is a loving willingness to give more of your energy when your partner cannot.
All natural systems move towards homeostasis. So it is a natural function to stay in balance. This balance may mean one person is adding more energy into the relationship than another. There are times in all relationships when this is necessary. Usually, there is never an absolute equal amount of energy focused into the relationship by each individual. When you are attuned to the health of your relationship, there is a loving willingness to give more of your energy when your partner cannot.
Problems arise in normal relationships when one person consistently adds less energy and attention or when one person adds too much negative or distressing energy. The scale becomes unbalanced because the Love Bond bank of vitality and positive energy supply is depleted and cannot radiate energy back. Physically, you may be aware of feeling drained of energy. Emotionally, you may feel hurt, sad, resentful, overwhelmed, angry, or some other afflictive emotion. Mentally, you may observe behaviors, attitudes or values not congruent with your own or sense a lack of attention and energy to your relationship from your partner. When this happens one person will attempt to correct the imbalance by changing their input of energy into the Love Bond, to put it back into balance.
The Love Bond is a Living Creation formed from the Intimate Shared Connection of Love
Finding Balance
There are two basic strategies taken to get the relationship back on track. You will either put more energy into the Love Bond or you will remove some of your energy from the Love Bond. When you add your energy, you are focusing more of your attention on the relationship. When you remove your energy, you are containing your energy by withdrawing your focus and attention. You can do this in either a positive way from the heart or in a detrimental way from the ego. In order to bring vitality and health back into the Love Bond, there must be an increase in positive uplifting energy and a decrease in negative harmful energy.
The intimate connection of the Love Bond between two people includes mutual respect, understanding, trust, affection, sensuality, sexuality, listening, interpersonal sharing, empathy, compassion, appreciation, care and attention.
Over time, people tend to take their relationships for granted. It is normal for the intensity of new love to calm down. The realities of everyday life call your attention. You need to attend to the practicalities of shelter, finances, work, children, household chores, extended family, social life and the multitudes of responsibilities required for living. Besides the practicalities taking up a lot of time and energy, often negotiating these responsibilities leads to disagreements. Resentment builds when partners feel the responsibilities are not shared equally. Resentment kills the Love Bond. Loving energy drains out and the intimate side of life is left for last or not at all.
The intimate connection of the Love Bond between two people includes mutual respect, understanding, trust, affection, sensuality, sexuality, listening, interpersonal sharing, empathy, compassion, appreciation, care and attention.
Over time, people tend to take their relationships for granted. It is normal for the intensity of new love to calm down. The realities of everyday life call your attention. You need to attend to the practicalities of shelter, finances, work, children, household chores, extended family, social life and the multitudes of responsibilities required for living. Besides the practicalities taking up a lot of time and energy, often negotiating these responsibilities leads to disagreements. Resentment builds when partners feel the responsibilities are not shared equally. Resentment kills the Love Bond. Loving energy drains out and the intimate side of life is left for last or not at all.
Caring Presence
Besides having realistic discussions and expectations about these responsibilities, it is important to approach your interactions with attention to the Love Bond. What kind of energy am I giving to my partner? What is my intention when I bring up an issue? Is it to resolve differences or to blame? Is my contribution creating harmony or disharmony? Am I giving my attention to the Love Bond or has my attention become focused only on the practicalities of the relationship or my own personal needs? Am I doing my share? Am I depositing loving energy into the Love Bond or am I withdrawing more than I am giving?
You energize the Love Bond with caring presence. This means being thoughtful. Think about the attention you gave your partner when you first fell in love. You thought about them pretty much continually. Okay, you can step it down from that much attention but if your Love Bond is feeling depleted then you need to step it up. Find out what actions feel loving to your partner. Don’t assume that you know. Perhaps, they just want you to listen, or give them a hug, or for you to take out the garbage. Take the 5 Love Languages quiz and share your results with your partner and have them do the same. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Your relationship is a creation and in order for it to thrive, you must be present and pay attention to it. Fill your Love Bond up with vitality. Feed it with positive caring energy. Show gratitude for the small things your partner does for you. Put in extra effort and take an active role in daily responsibilities. Each day, make it a point to say words of appreciation and support to your partner. Look into their eyes and really see. Doing so opens a pathway into the heart, yours and your partners.
You energize the Love Bond with caring presence. This means being thoughtful. Think about the attention you gave your partner when you first fell in love. You thought about them pretty much continually. Okay, you can step it down from that much attention but if your Love Bond is feeling depleted then you need to step it up. Find out what actions feel loving to your partner. Don’t assume that you know. Perhaps, they just want you to listen, or give them a hug, or for you to take out the garbage. Take the 5 Love Languages quiz and share your results with your partner and have them do the same. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Your relationship is a creation and in order for it to thrive, you must be present and pay attention to it. Fill your Love Bond up with vitality. Feed it with positive caring energy. Show gratitude for the small things your partner does for you. Put in extra effort and take an active role in daily responsibilities. Each day, make it a point to say words of appreciation and support to your partner. Look into their eyes and really see. Doing so opens a pathway into the heart, yours and your partners.
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